on the daily

Resurfaced

When you think you’re completely over something, but all of a sudden your past emotions and feelings resurface and you can’t do anything about it… You can’t help but feel those emotions and try to deal with it. What sucks even more is when it’s been so long that you didn’t think your feelings from the past would ever come back again. But, I ignored those feelings for far too long that it came back to bite me in the ass. And then I wonder, how could something that’s not even a part of me anymore effect me this much again… as if I was re-living my past all over again. That’s how I know that played a big ass part of my life and I really did care so much and not even gonna front, but I still do care. Not in that way, but in the sense that I still care about your well-being. Maybe it’s just because I didn’t recieve the closure that I needed before I started this new chapter in my life. That’s partly my fault. I carried that baggage and I just left it there without throwing any of it away. You’d think by now, I’d be completely over it. The thing that sucks the most is that I can’t just ignore it because I know my feelings have to be dealt with. I can’t fully let go and move on, I wish I could and I wish it was that easy, but it’s not. It’s crazy to think almost 3 years later, these feelings just resurfaced unexpectedly, without notice at all. But the thing that has to be the worst about all of this, is my current situation. I love where I’m at and who I’m with, I love my relationship and what we’ve built our love upon. I love every quality and flaw of his self-being. He’s the guy I’ve been looking for and so much more. I’m in love. It sucks that I can’t give him what I gave you and I can’t give him a part of me because that part of me is dead and gone now, because of you. I can’t fully love him as hard as I try. It hurts a lot and I can’t pity anyone, not even myself, cus this is just what life is. This is reality and love is a bitch. I feel the only way I can fully love the one I’m with is if you just let me get that closure, but you’re too childish to see that I still even care about the past and that you’d even want to talk about it. How can you still be effecting me this way when you’re not even apart of my life anymore? That just goes to show that people need to get over their past before moving on to the future. I didn’t get to do that. I can’t blame anyone but myself. But now, I’m just trying to make up for my mistakes. I’m trying to reconcile the past that I never got to deal with. It took me awhile to even realize that this is what I’ve been feeling this whole time and how much I’ve been frontin. It’s time for me to make amends with my past and move on to better things with my future.