Sometimes, I just get so sad looking at our relationship now. It brings an ache to my heart because I see how much we’ve changed. Change is inevitable, but I hoped it wouldn’t bring a toll on our relationship. It’s definitely been a strain, because now that I’ve looked back at my old blogs… we were so much closer and connected back then. I can’t help but think we’ve become less than lovers, but just best friends with benefits. It’s hard to think that we’ve decieved ourselves with being “in love.” We’re not in love like we used to be and it brings me heartache when I think about it honestly. I can’t believe how much has changed the past 2 years of being together. It definitely happened slowly, but surely. Sometimes, I really have to deeply think about where our relationship has gone and where it’s going. When I’m with you, I feel a security and comfort that’s so familiar to me which is what I love about being with you. When we fight nowadays, it gets out of hand. I didn’t realize that half the things you say should affect and hurt me, but it doesn’t and I feel that’s not normal. I guess I’m just used to being told certain things when a nigga’s mad at me so I tend to just not give a fuck, but now I’m realizing it’s not okay. But then I also see that I make you mad more than half the time and I know it’s due to your irritability of everything, but it just seems that I’m not enough anymore. Like, I have to put in so much effort just to make you happy. But back then, I brought you happiness naturally. I notice how much more I make you angry and how much harder it is to keep you happy… I don’t want it to be like that. When we fight, doubtful thoughts linger in my mind. I wonder if maybe you were with another girl, she would make you happy and keep you happy unlike I can sometimes. That she can naturally bring you happiness and you wouldn’t have to be forced to do things like I make you do. I imagine you with another girl that will give you a better flow of a good relationship because all I see is me making it hard for you. The more we fight, the more it starts to effect me, because I see the strain in our relationship and it hurts. I’m doing everything I can in my power to make this work, but sometimes it’s just not enough… It’s not easy keeping a relationship that’s lasted so long, but I’m trying to provide the consistency and communication that we need in our relationship, I’m just trying to hold on the best I can because God knows that I wouldn’t ever give up on you unless I stopped loving you.
Ugh late night thinking…
